Fear of marrying the wrong person.
For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me, and what I dreaded has happened to me. Job 3:25
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer...let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
Doubt is a sickness. Worry is a disease. Anxiety is a grave. It buries people even while they are still alive. We all have times in our lives when we must choose between faith and fear. A young woman being pressurized by her parents to marry a particular person can decide to choose whether to give in or say no and walk away. When you are afraid of marrying the person, you are likely to be a victim of one.
Probably God saw the place of fear in the heart of Joshua and he said, "Be strong and of good courage, for to this people you shall divide the land as an inheritance...only be strong and very courageous...that you may prosper wherever you go. Joshua 1:6-7
You must also learn to face what you fear or it will control you until you withdraw into your shell. What you fear most must be faced most. You cannot conquer what you cannot confront. You have to stand up to it and overcome your anxieties. Your faith level must rise to believe that God has a plan for your life. Courage here does not eliminate his fear, but to strengthen him and cause his faith level to rise above what he feared.
Fear, as the saying goes is "False Evidence Appearing Real". You have to neglect all the false evidences around you. Your parents' broken marriage is not an evidence that you will have one.
You must start seeing yourself as someone who can handle life. If fear dominates you at the junction of marriage, how about when you finally get married. What is ahead of you is greater than what is behind you. The greatest of all is what is in you. You must change your mindset about marriage. Bishop T.D Jakes, one of the America's best preachers said, "Our mind is the battlefield where victory is won or lost". If you believe you cannot fall victim of wrong marriage, then the victory is won, you cannot fall victim.
Bob Gass the author of the word for today for West Africa said, Anxiety cannot immobilize you and steal your joy and victory when you know you can handle whatever happens. Bring God into the scene and he will help you where your hands are already weak. If you start a relationship and things does not work out well, separate visions and pursuit, disagreement, dishonesty and infidelity, why waiting? If you start it then end it. A broken courtship is much better than a broken marriage.
In conclusion, instead of retreating to a corner of silent and regret, arise and face what you fear and you will discover they are just false evidence appearing real.
Lack of planning and improper counsel.
Going into marriage involves planning, and where you have good plans and you are not properly counseled your plans will go awry. One of the reasons why planning is important is that, once you enter into it there is no going back. God said I hate divorce. If you are thinking that if it does not work out fine, you have an option to quit.
Thinking about divorce before entering into marriage is a sign that you are likely to experience it. Mr. and Mrs. Jimmy may divorce and separate, while Mr. and Mrs. Lopez did the same. Yet, these are facts, but are not the true picture of your own marriage. Divorce is a grave, and each time you see it you will remember who is there. Don't let it enter into you. Before you venture into marriage now start planning now.
It is not wrong if you start planning how you will manage your own home now. Learn lessons from failed marriages and avoid the obstacles. When you see the red light of a car in your front, it tells you just one thing, "slow down" or "watch out". Watch out for loopholes, crack walls, and mistakes so that you will not fall at the same junction. Therefore, when you see failed marriages, wave it and look up to God for perfection in your imperfections. Many people who failed today did not really plan to fail. However, things went wrong along the way. Nevertheless, you can start planning, praying and preparing for your future now. God is always willing to help us when we show him our imperfections.
Before I met my wife, I have written all I wanted from marriage. Funny enough she has written her own too. We just amalgamated the plans and visions and settled for the systematic process. Today, the visions are happening. Nevertheless, it all started with a plan. Start now. Proper planning prevents poor performance. As the saying goes, "If you fail to plan you are planning to fail".
In addition, you have to learn how to shun wrong counsel. Do not let anybody gives you the mentality that marriage is a lifetime burden. It is a blessing from God. All my life I have always thanked God for giving me a wife. She has been to me a wife, mother and a companion. I don't have to think alone, work alone, live alone or plan all alone. God gave me a wife whose contributions to my life have brought me this far. Start your planning now.
Self-sexual pleasure.
One of the most common self-sexual pleasures among the youth is masturbation. At the youthful stage, different changes occur in the body. As a young girl, you can be sexually aroused or stimulated just after your menstrual period. Likewise, a young boy can wake up in the morning and feel sexually excited. These are the experiences and normal responses of a youthful body.
They are not masturbations.
The act of masturbation is deliberate. Though it is self-stimulating act that get you aroused sexually, yet, the strong guilt feelings is often there. It has been claimed to be self-destructive because it damages you emotionally. The more you are getting used to it you will desire a private life. Considering marriage as an option cannot occur to you. Therefore, each and everyday you will continue to load yourself up with junks that can sexually arouse you.
Although researchers have claimed that, it does not have any mental illness whether it is done frequently or occasionally. Believe me or not, masturbation produces many side effects, though they may not be physical. As you continue in the act, you may start seeing the opposite sex as just a mere sex objects. Even this normally happens to the homosexuals and lesbians. Any opportunity to be alone with the same sex is counted to be an opportunity to have sex.
Even when you are watching them on the TV, you will feel as if you should just be there to experience the act. If you are not careful, while alone, you will try to masturbate. In addition, the source of masturbation have been found to be the results of whet comes into your mind on daily basis. The TV programs, porn pictures, internet and cable TV stations that gives you nude scenes and movies.
When all these things are programmed in your mind, it hinders from getting married on time. On the internet today, there are lots of pornography sites where sexual movies, intimacy and porn pictures are displayed. They make their money as they fill people with junks. Your life is precious to God and your generation is waiting for your impact in their lives. The four lepers at the gate of Samaria said to themselves "why sits we here until we die? 2 Kings 7:3. You cannot afford to sit there until your entire life is wasted before you then discover the steps you have to take.
God can help you as He helped me years back, thereafter you will live a fulfilled life. If you are ready to settle for marriage, deal with this issue. Why waiting anymore?
Intimacy.
"There is away that seems right unto a man, but the end thereof is a way of destruction" Proverbs 14:12
Our next discussion is "intimacy". I don't really think we need any special definition for this. The question is "how does it hinder some singles in getting married on time. Most importantly, intimacies are in two ways.
1. A close personal relationship with somebody
2. A sexual friendship, especially with the opposite sex.
We have to discuss them briefly one by one.
If you are having a close personal relationship with somebody, it must be clearly s pelt. There's nothing wrong with being close to somebody. That songwriter says, "We all need somebody to lean on". We all need someone who could be there to encourage us whenever we are loosing heart. Nevertheless, this kind relationship must still be defined. I had problem in this area before I got married, because this young girl had been thinking that I am going to get married to her because of our closeness.
I did not take note of this until I begin to sense her moves, cares, and concerns. But in all honesty I was not thinking about her. I discovered that because we were close, people sometimes called her my fiancée. Jokingly, I will just say no.
These words have stocked to her brain and she started seeing herself as my fiancée. Up till today we are not on good terms because I did not marry her. She stayed far from me with all hatred. My point is this when you are intimately related with someone it must be clearly defined. If you don't, one of you will likely suffer the consequence. Moreover, the last hatred shall be greater than the first love.
Secondly, having a sexual activity with an opposite sex is the worst side of this matter. The truth is that the pleasure, love and care are often there in the beginning, but it hurts deep in the end. The bible says, "Bread of deceit is sweet in the mouth but in the end it tastes like gravel". Instead of you waiting until the end consider getting married. I know some women just can't be hooked to one man. Yet, whatever you need in three men God has put them in one right man for you. All you need is to discover him.
Moreover, marriage is more than sexual intercourse. It is companionship and friendship in nature. The joy of marriage does not lie in sexual intimacy between the couple. There are homes where sex is a daily bread, yet they had a break up. While your own focus is sex alone God is focusing on your fulfillment in social life, family life, love life, official life and other areas. Some have tried "trial marriage". Whereby two opposite sex lives together as husband and wife to see if they can eventually get married. A "trial marriage" does not eliminate the trials in marriage. When the challenges come, both of you may not be able to withstand them.
If you are into all these, you had better consider getting married. Hear the scripture now
"But I say to the unmarried...if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7: 8-9
Unemployment or laziness.
A condition or situation in which one has no work to do in order to earn a living or an income, it can cause an hindrance in getting a partner to marry. Especially the man, knowing that the responsibility of the home lie upon his shoulder, he will be willing to have a job before going into marriage. No matter how you love a woman if you cannot meet her needs and show your love in a particular way, there will be problem. Giving is one of the proven ways to express our love. The bible says, For God so love the world that He gave his only begotten son. Even God gave to express his love. An expression of love is best demonstrated through giving. But, in a situation whereby you have no job, how can you do all these as expected.
Unemployment on its own brings low standard of living and unhappiness. You really wish you could contribute to the development of your family and even your own life. However, thank God there are jobs you can do in the comfort of your home. Today, there are so many works at home business you can start in the comfort of home without a dime. Make a search on the internet and start somewhere. It is better to start somewhere than to go nowhere.. In addition, laziness is killing. Some people cannot consider marriage or future partner because of laziness. You must outgrow this habits of 7.a.m on the bed and find something to do. Walking around from pillar to post cannot help your life and future. Even when what you are earning is little, it can a step to greater height. Great things often come in small packages. Do away with laziness and fulfill your God-given dreams. Think of what to do with your skill, talent, experience and level of education. If you cannot do all these, then you are probably not ready yet. No woman or man out there will be willing to marry a liability. Start now, your spouse is waiting.
Problems of your own family.
Another hindrance to getting a partner for marriage is the problem of your own family. One of the common problem lingering in many families today is divorce. When parents divorce, it may quickly cause a great problem for the children. In fact, so many of their children are already thinking that divorce may be the end of their own relationship too. If you fall into this category, don't let this be a stumbling blocks for you in getting married. No matter the problem of your family, don't let it be a limitation for your life. Dr John c. Maxwell said, "A problem is something you can do something about. If you can't do something about it, then it's not a problem. It's a predicament." Nobody here on earth is free from a problem. Challenges or difficulties. But the way we see them makes the different in our lives. You have to see that the problem in your own family has its solution. Find it and fix it. Be determined to make the different in your own family.
Mum or Dad's pet.
Marriage is for the matured mind not the coward. It is meant for those who can face the battles of life without looking back. If you really want to get a right partner and settle down for a better life, you must grow beyond being a pet. You are now of age and you must decide what you want. If you always need daddy's brain or mummy's thought in order to decide, then you cannot go far in any relationship. If every report calls for daddy's attention before it can be settled, you won't do well at all in your friendship. You need to come out of your shell and become a real man or woman. When things go wrong in the family, will you expect your dad or mum to take the lead or decide for you? Your wife depends on you almost every time to choose, act or decide for the family. No woman out there is busy looking for a man she will nurturing and tutoring like a baby. Because, such men cannot lead the home, their leadership responsibilities cannot be fully discharged.
Their wives cannot enjoy them; they rather get frustrated in that relationship or marriage. Most men have been used to the pampering of their parents since childhood, and until now they are still battling with how get out of their shell and become real men. Real men are matured men; they take leadership as their responsibilities. Enough of pampering, you have enjoy that enough so, become whom you are born to be. There is a place of parental guide, but parental choice may not bring the desired happiness in marriage or relationship or even make your dream come true.
Unsatisfied sexual desires or cravings.
Another thing that contributes to delay in finding a marriage partner is unsatisfied sexual desire or urge. Some people have strong sexual emotion so much that they find it uncontrollable. They always want to satisfy that craving each new day. They look for every opportunity to quench that thirst for sex. Therefore, such people find it very difficult to consider marriage. Marriage is a union of one man and his wife. You cannot get hooked to two or three people at the same time in marriage. No matter how you want to be sexually satisfied, marriage cannot give the power to do it outside its wall. Once you go beyond this boundary, you are then an adulterer. So, for this reason people in this category refuse to consider getting married. As far as they are concern, it is an hindrance to their sex life.
But the truth is this, intimacy is best enjoyed in marriage alone. There's joy happiness and fulfillment in doing it in marriage. There is a sense of belonging. Sexual intercourse is not just to have a release in other to satisfy your craving. I have discussed this at length in one of the article posted on this site "The joy of sexual friendship" and "Human sexuality". You can read more about how you can enjoy your sexual life in marriage. Nevertheless, sex plays its own part apart in marriage. Don't let it be your major focus. What sex will do is different from what communication, integrity, honesty, understanding will do. When God gives you a perfect mate, sex is not an issue. He understands how to satisfy us with our heart desires. You have to deliver yourself from that affliction of the devil. If you taste the joy of marriage, you will discover it is more than sex. Just try it. Let me therefore encourage you that you have to work on it. Pray that God will help you so that you can live a satisfied and fulfilled life. If you are ready, God is ready to help you. If you think, it is not possible to get out of such trap of the devil it is a lie. Start where you are. Start as you are reading this article. Let go of relationship that cannot add any value to your life. Let go of all the relationships and attachments to many sex partners who are just using you as a sex machine.
Fulfillment comes in relationship when you discover that you now have your own helpmate who delights in your well-being, progress and accomplishment in life. Work on this, because nothing is impossible. There is still someone out there who has been waiting willing to hold your arm and wishing that you will be his or her own forever. I mean happily ever after. May you find such happiness in Jesus' name.
Personal standard and high taste.
This article is not directed to someone who believes that his head calculation can give the right man or woman for marriage. Personal standard are limitations that a man ignorantly set, but hinders the direction of God for his life. If you have a personal standard that you cannot change come what may, then it will be very hard to get God's choice at the junction of marriage. One of the hindrances to getting a right partner for marriage is when you have high taste. I know there is nothing wrong in desiring a particular thing and be ready to pursue it. We all have different opinion and principles. Nobody wants to settle for less.
For example, if you are the type who had already said you cannot marry a man who does not have a car, house of his own or even works in a big company. Then it becomes a limitation for God. Because when a man in your local government area is the one fit for your life, you can't yield to the leading of God, you will rather ignore him.
Setting standard often lead to wrong choices and high taste can end as a taste of regret. The story is told of Mary (name has been changed) who insisted on marrying a Lawyer. Opportunities to choose from several men who have proposed to her have been ignored. Finally, a Lawyer came, who seems to be a dream come true. Not so long in their relationship Mary got pregnant. Therefore, they both decided to fix the wedding date. Nevertheless, on the evening of their wedding day, the groom disappeared. The bride became worried and perplexed until she fainted.
She was taken to the hospital, where the doctor confirmed her pregnancy. Nevertheless, the issue is the disappearing act of the groom. They planned to report the matter to the police the following morning. Just before that, the groom's best man decided to leak out the secret. The groom was in another hotel where he had planned to spend the honeymoon with a girlfriend. He concluded what honey is there in a pregnant woman. The worst side of the story is that Mary will be the third wife as the groom already has two wives and kids who were not living with him.
What is the lesson here, her standard could not allow her to take time to know the man she was going out with. Because she assumed this is her dream come true. Choices and standard are good, but how bad they can be when you are praying for Gods' leading in choosing a life partner. Whatever you are you are looking for in any man is already deposited in your right man wait for the manifestation.
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Olatunji Richard Martins is the CEO/ Founder of spiceupyourtruelove.com, a site created out of passion for singles & married people who are seeking for fulfillment in their love life, relationship & home. We are committed to give you godly counsel, advice and support necessary to achieve your dreams & goals in your relationship and home.
We believe that anybody who visits this site is searching for happiness in life and we are committed to give them just that, through the information posted on our site. Moreover we do not teach people what we don't do or know, or tell them to do what seems impossible in their relationship matters. Program is organized monthly tagged "Singles Complete and Whole". Where singles and married listen to relationship matters.
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